[12/30/07] Go quietly into that good night, 2007, you magnificent bastard...

...And the wild eyed histrionics continue, but this year it was a little different. Here comes Nancy Pelosi! Bam!! She lands a hook! Pow! She lands an uppercut! The Dems are off the mat and this is turning into a real bloodbath!!! "Mr. President, we demand justice!!! If you don't pull out those troops now we will pass a non-binding resolution suggesting that measures be taken to ensure that future non-binding resolutions will include language that may imply that a drawdown in troops shall be forthcoming at some point before the end of 2010. Take that!!" And so much for the tidal wave of change.

I think we ended last year with a silvery strand of shining hope beaming up from the cess pool, just barely allowing a moment to slowly inhale some clean air through the myopic haze of our division; enough time to think aloud, "Maybe this year will be different." Maybe this year we won't have senior administration officials stonewalling congressional investigations. Maybe this year we won't have political leaders caught up in bizarre sex scandals. Maybe this year the shrill talking heads across our media landscape won't say stupid things. Maybe pigs will fly forth from my buttocks.

Just when you thought the strange sex habits of extremely religious old guys with spray on hair had all been rooted out and laughed at and poked at until there were none left, along came Larry Craig, "the bathroom bandit". Apparently, politically motivated, closeted homosexuals meet in airport bathrooms to engage in creepy toilet sex after identifying each other through a series of codes, including foot tapping and whistling. The entire mating ritual has never been filmed...until Discovery Channel's team of...never mind, you can just YouTube it. The good senator claims that his "wide bathroom stance" caused an undercover officer to mistake him for the kind of guy who cheats on his wife in the crapper. I totally believe him. And I support him in his crusade to fight hypocrisy.

He's not my favorite guy, though. As far as world leaders are concerned, I vote for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. First, he's got the name. Second, he's nuts. He says great stuff like the Holocaust is imaginary. You know, like Santa Claus or Allah or Osama Bin Laden. He says educational things, too. For instance, did you know that in Iran they don't have ANY gay people? It's true. They ship them all off to Iraq so they will be able to bomb them later after we cut and run like a bunch of pussies. (Not that I condone the concept that female genitals are an accurate symbol of weakness. What kind of a dick would think that?).

A black man and a woman are neck and neck in a heated battle for the presidency. All over the country pundits are asking the important question: Is America ready to be led to its downfall by someone other than a white, pseudo-Christian guy? Well, are we? Think about it...a black person?! What if he rolls up on us at the club or gets jiggy with it or convinces our wives and girlfriends to go black...what if they never come back?!!! What if Hillary has her period? Wait a minute; she's like 60 years old. What if one of her staffers has her period for her?! Can you imagine how irrelevant that would be?! Well I, for one, cannot in good conscience vote for irrelevant menstruation.

This sentence fulfills my obligation to write anything about Michael Vick. This other sentence fulfills my obligation to write anything about Britney Spears.

Al Gore's film, "An Inconvenient Truth", won an Academy Award. Oh, the "Academy"...How do we love us? Let us count the ways. Those pompous plastic people in expensive sunglasses gave an award to a guy who made a movie about something everyone already knows. But, somehow it still managed to shock some and piss off others. The anti-polar bear lobby came out in force to attack Mr. Gore for his dubious use of "scientific facts" to prove that a "factual observation" made by "scientists" is actually true. Is this debate over yet? No. Do we doubt that this so called "science" is nothing more than a liberal elitist conspiracy to ruin America's economy? Just follow the money trail. Who wins if America finds alternative energy sources and cuts fuel emissions dramatically and maybe upgrades its public transportation? Not oil companies!! NO!! It's the god damn hippies, that's who!! The hippies will all be rich beyond their wildest bong inspired dreams by selling all that patchouli stink to all those hybrid car owners. There you have it: Liberal Elitist Conspiracy exposed...you're welcome.

In football news Brett Favre (of the suitably named Wisconsin packers-of-things-which-need-to-be-packed) broke a bunch of records including interceptions that no one noticed and, according to ESPN, Joe Buck, John Madden, and every other member of the sports media, the all-time league record for smiles. It sounds crazy, I know, but it's totally true. Ever since the NFL started tracking contagious smile stats in 1970 Brett Favre has touched more hearts and minds than Gandhi and Martin Luther King combined. He is indisputably the greatest human being ever born, if you believe that jocks are special and really important people, which I do. He overcame the adversity of accidentally having his penis accidentally slide into various mistress' vaginas while he was accidentally addicted to alcohol and morphine to become the guy who you see accidentally crying today at every post-game press conference (again, not at all like a pussy). God, I could just go on forever about how warm and fuzzy (nauseous) his fans make me...but, I think I'll quit while we all still have the emotional energy to move on.

Since we're on jocks: Barry Bonds has a huge head. Roger Clemens, not so coincidentally after all, also has a huge head. That's right, the best hitter and the best pitcher of the modern era are cheaters. Good thing we don't apply these standards to the NFL or there wouldn't be anyone left to play the games. Marion Jones: cheater. That guy no one ever heard of who won the Tour De France (that's "French tour" in English, for all you uni-linguists): cheater. The wrestler who lost his grip on reality and murdered his whole family: cheater. I'm sorry, that wasn't funny at all. Legalize it! That's where I stand. Just imagine entire teams comprised of guys with gigantic heads who can hit baseballs 600 ft. and throw them 99 mph! That would be the kind of entertainment Americans line up for...like a miss teen USA pageant.

We love watching other people fail, don't we? I pose to you this query: Why do you think 1/5th of Americans are unable to find America on a map? Lauren Upton, the South Carolina contestant in the Miss Teen America contest in August: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in south Africa and Iraq and everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for us." Well said. I have nothing to add. But, I will get right to work on that map shortage problem so that U.S. Americans can start building up our future for us...and South Africa...maybe even the continent of Asia (do they have maps?).

Speaking of foreigners, it appears the red menace is at it again. This time it's those sneaky Chinamen. I personally theorize that their sneakiness is a product of being so small. Don't the two go hand in hand? Ask yourself honestly now. Was is it really such a big surprise when we found out that they were attempting to poison our children and pets with their covert manufacturing scheme? It's simple, put some lead in the toys and whichever perfect little round-eyed, blond-haired American children play with the tainted toys will grow up to be fat, lazy and dumb. Those sneaky little rice eaters!! First, with the MSG laden buffets...now this?! But, it would appear they "misunderestimated" us. Little did they know that some of us kind of love our children and therefore would expose their diabolus to the whole world. When our government officially apologized to them for the embarrassment they knew right then and there that the good ol' U S of A is still number one, bub. They'll think twice next time, little fuckers, won't they? I'll have #46 with lo mein noodles. No no, not Roman noodles...Lo Mein noodles.

Anna Nicole Smith died. She went from hot girl in pictures to gold-digging widow to fat, annoying girl on TV then back to hot again but still annoying and, finally, to dead and skanky in like ten or fifteen short years. I couldn't understand the wave of interest in her post-mortem. Was it all just media hype? People couldn't possibly find this woman fascinating, could they? But, they did. The people in the clinic where I work went on and on about her much in the same manner they discuss Grey's Anatomy or how much they could "really use a drink right about now" (alcoholism is hilarious). Forgive me, but I was under the impression that she was stupid and contributed nothing and said nothing and did nothing. I mean, it's not like she's John Lennon. She's not even John Belushi. She's not even John McEnroe. Wait, he's still alive. Forget it.

I know there are plenty of big, important things I left out. For instance, the writer's strike has caused untold amounts of book reading and outdoor activities which must end immediately. Also, there was some stuff about Rudy "Remember 9/11because I was there" Giuliani I read somewhere. Pakistan...yikes. There was that whole Myanmar-Burma-whatever it's called uprising. Buddhist monks getting beat down in the streets. That's pretty counter-intuitive, isn't it? Well, at least they're totally free like Iraq now and there's no reason to pay attention to further developments in that country. Frankly, I don't have that much time anyway, what with all the reality shows I have TIVOed. Does Tila Tequila ever find love between visits to the free clinic? Some radio guy called some black women nappy headed hos and then he was outraged by all the outrage. Somehow that makes perfect sense to me on this 24 hour information stream-athon planet of ours. I can't think of a way to make light of the Virginia Tech massacre without offending all of us so I left that out, too.

I know we were hoping for more change and togetherness and peace and love and solutions and bipartisan progress this past year, but we'll just have to forgo the warm fuzzies and settle for the same old boring crap. Don't let yourself get too down, my friend. 2008 is an election year. Shit is going to get really ugly really fast and we can all go back to hating each other like 4 or 5 years ago when whoever gets elected fucks the hell out of the whole planet and refuses to accept any responsibility. It's going to be fun for us political junkies. The rest of you will still have American Idol to fight over.

Luke "Leave 'em with a Joke" Granmoe

"I wish that when I was a little baby my first word would have been quote so that right before I die I could say unquote" -Steven Wright

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