Joe KickAss: The Detox Years
This title in no way is meant to imply that Joe KickAss has ever needed a moment of sobriety to calculate his coolness. Hell no, this is the kind of cool that oozes forth like a natural spring. The kind of natural spring that doesn't necessarily need to wash itself on a daily basis.
When you carry around the gravitas and machismo of a guy with the name "KickAss" you don't have to look for danger, danger finds you. One example of this, what we'll call the "KickAss Dynamic", occurred one hallowed night in Burnsville, MN.
Joe KickAss was enjoying an evening of drunken kickassness with his esteemed colleagues in the southern Minneapolis suburb. When the one called "Sug" got a case of the beer munchies...the worst kind. Of course, Team Special Ex was drunk, yet motivated and thought, "Hey, we're drunk we better walk to the store." Brilliant..."Don't forget to bring the beer." Brilliant.
The three team members walked into the cruel night shoulder to shoulder with Mr. KickAss leading the charge...as always. Kenny, KickAss, and Sug (short for sugar) walked the first half of the voyage without incident and turned back toward home base. They figured quickest way back is to cut behind a group of buildings that house several businesses in the area. Of course, naturally, the team took the quick way.
On the other side of the structure our boys found a member of the Burnsville Police ready and waiting to nail 'em like suckers. Sug ain't a sucker, so he ran. Good plan.
"So, what are you doing' back there....pissin'?"
"No, man, we're just walking home," Replied Joe K.
The police officer then moved over to get a better look at Joe K’s face, "How much have you had to drink tonight?"
And then knocks the beer out of his hand...Oooooh.
Now, this is what separates the KickAss from the boys: Joe KickAss doesn't panic, no; he simply reaches for his backup beer and cracks it open. Takes a swig and waits for the cops’ next move. Unfortunately, the cops’ next move was to grab the beer from his hand and send it hurling through the night into the beer abuse netherworld forever.
Now, the cop wants names.
KickAss presents ID;
Kenny provides false name. KickAss runs clean; Kenny runs "obvious lie." Sug, just plain ran.
Cop comes back, asks Kenny who he really is, lets him go. KickAss gets taken into custody UNJUSTLY. And is charged with absolutely NOTHING.
Yet is forced to endure the nastiness of our local detox center for two nights. "Broken man," you're thinking? No way in the name of all that is Joe KickAss would 36 hours even come close to cracking the hard core greatness that is:
JOE KICKASS