[9/20/06] The Sickening

When I am asked how my first few weeks in Mexico are going, I usually reply with “The beaches are real nice”, or things are going pretty good. But in truth the main thing I can tell you about Mexico and our house in particular is the bathroom. The public bathrooms are a weird place, especially for a gringo like me, for some reason the Mexicans are always trying to check out my junk. Not to get ahead of myself, let me give you a little back story.

It started on the Tuesday after we arrived. We had awoken from a booze infused night and things were looking pretty good.

We still didn’t have any natural gas (note the foreshadowing) so cooking really wasn’t and option. So after our morning cereal, with what I consider to be the weirdest milk ever. (Why is the person grabbing at their stomach?)

We got the day going by heading to the local mini-super (sort of like a really small and shitty grocery store) and picked up a few small things for lunch and dinner, chips, salsa, some avocado’s, a kilo of cocaine. Just your usual small stuff.

On making our way back to the “casita” we notice a large truck out front, and a couple of guys milling around the area. I start thinking to myself “Man we are going to get robbed on our second day.” On entering the casita we are approached by a man we later find out to be Enrique, he is the general foreman for the site. He started speaking to us in Spanish. Which was much too much for me to comprehend, so Rachel stepped in. She has become much more adept at speaking then I am, or so we thought. Twenty minutes later and we have the dictionary out and the “Easy Spanish Phrase Book”. Using the book I was able to ask him “May I change this for a salad?” which apparently wasn’t what he had in mind.

Now mind you we were coming back to eat lunch, so I was getting a little hungry and impatient. Things were sorted out when after awhile we realized the truck out front had clay pots in them for the upcoming landscaping that Rachel and I are to perform. We said “Great put them anywhere.” which is when LaTessia showed up. She is the interior designer and purveyor of fine goods. She spoke flawless English and we were to discover that not only did the truck contain the clay pots (about 60 of them) but it also contained the new furniture.

Needless to say we were happy, the old furniture wasn’t that bad, but who can refuse new furniture. That is when things took a very Mexican turn; the unloading and placing of the pots, furniture, and installation of the blinds would take the next few hours. When things completed at about six o’clock I had already consumed four or five beers, and at least four shots of tequila on an empty stomach. A sure fire recipe for disaster (reference the last six times I have puked). I figured a quick run to a local restaurant would fix this possible problem. We went out came back had a few beers and went to bed. And that’s when this story comes to an explosive turn. You see upon waking on Wednesday morning something was amiss. Was it the unbearable heat? Nope. Was it the fact that I still can’t speak a lick of Spanish? Nope. Was it that I had to run to the bathroom like I was Jack Bauer on 24 trying to save the president? Yes!

I am Mexican federal agent Zach Walker, and this is the longest day of my life.

	“What’s wrong?”
	“ I need you to trust me, I have to save the president! And use the bathroom.”
	“But that's against protocol, you will never be able to do both in time.”
	“You need to trust me.”
	“Zach this Joel what is going on with you?”
	“Joel I need you to trust me, I don’t have time, just make sure the bathroom is secure”
	“There's no way around this, right Zach? We don't have any outs here.”
	“Not that I can see.”
	“I'm tired of putting my ass on the line for nothing. I'm DONE putting my ass on the line for nothing.”
	“What about my ass? Can’t you just look the other way?”
	“You can look the other way once, and it's no big deal, except it makes it easier for you to compromise the next time, and pretty soon that's all your doing; compromising, because that's the way you think things are done. You know those guys I busted? You think they were the bad guys? Because they weren't, they weren't bad guys, they were just like you and me. Except they compromised... Once.”
	“I'm gonna need a hacksaw.”
	“I'm concerned about you, Zach. The things you did to get here. You'll never be the same.”
	“Wait! All right. Let me do this myself. At least give me... the dignity of-of taking a shower first; that's something you can do.”
	“No, Rachel, I can't do that.”
	“Zach, you are not going to do this. You are not going to torture the bathroom!”
	“That's against every regulation in the book. You can’t be serious?”
	“I've never been more serious in my life.”
	“All I'm trying to say is that I'm here for you. But today is not the day to try to prove to everybody that you're all better. It's about to hit the fan, you know that and I know that. So do what you gotta do, man. Get your shit straight.”
	“Honey, I've got to start focusing on what I'm doing up here, I'm running out of time, okay? So uh... I-I'm gonna have to say good-bye. I love you more than anything in the world and I'll always be with you, okay? Remember that.”

For the next 24 hours I spent the entire time with a 100+ degree fever and became well acquainted with the bathroom. To make matters worse the story would repeat itself not more then fourdays later, lasting another three days. The upside of this is that I have lost about ten pounds. And almost two belt sizes.

So when traveling in Mexico, make sure you are staying somewhere with a nice bathroom. You will not soon forget it.

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