GOODBYE 2006...IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME

The year America woke up...sort of

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2006 was the year of the dog, "a year of reflection and a time to assess one's values." That probably sounds different in Mandarin. In American, it could be loosely translated to mean, "This overwhelming pile of rank sh*t we're drowning in has led me to believe that someone may be sh*tting on us. Perhaps I should reflect on that and, I don't know, maybe assess my values...right after Grey's Anatomy."

If America was McDreaming (sorry) in 2005, then 2006 was a wake up call. Not that things really got any worse. I mean there were no horrifying acts of god to ponder. "Does all this destruction mean that god is angry at homosexuals or at me for tolerating them?" The 24 hour cable news reality series known as the Iraq War had become repetitive and boring in its third full season. "In Iraq today there were three suicide bombings (yawn) and 7 soldiers died from a roadside IED"...formulaic and derivative. I remember when this show was good.

So, it wasn't really a very harsh wake up call. It was more like someone nudged us awake, gave us a minute to sip some coffee and then told us some slightly unsettling news. They are trying to pass a flag burning amendment (gasp! that old nut again!) or another gay marriage amendment (really?!), half of the government is under investigation for corruption or ass-raping children or whatever. "Oh, I thought you had some news." Well, gas is pretty expensive. "Yeah, so." Uh, the Vice President accidentally shot somebody. "Thank God. The Michael Jackson joke well was starting to dry up. Can I go back to sleep now?" Nope, it's time to get up and vote.

And so we voted in the most important election since the last election. And we replaced the party of bad ideas with the party of no ideas. Yay! It took six years for a slight majority to figure a few things out! Am I supposed to be happy about this? Should I feel vindicated or something? Why don't I care? This should be the best day of my life as a political junkie. As "w" would say, the 'Merkin people have, uh, spoked. I should be ecstatic! the 'Merkin people spoked! And they agree with me! And then came the Iraq study group...what are the options, James Baker? Well, we could either send more troops, which we don't have, or we could pull out all of the troops or we could leave the same amount of troops there. Okay, problem solved.

It was a year...after all

That statement is irrefutable. This year was, indeed, a year. The Earth completed its orbit around the yellow Sun of our tiny solar system in 365 days. That's about it. Not a hell of a lot else happened. It was less its own point in history than it was a gradually descending continuation of what was once an interesting plot...like a Hollywood sequel. In '04 (pronounced ott four, thank you) I was filled with righteous indignation. (Remember when everyone knew that they were right and soon enough the proof would be there for us all to see? Well, I told you so.) In '05 I felt like I was taking crazy pills. "Is this really happening? Am I F*cking hallucinating all this Sh*t? F*CK!!!," pretty much sums up that year for me. And just when I was about to give in to the isolation of my private hell and join some apocalyptic cult...the comedy began.

The unnatural burlesque show that was ott six saw the christian right make a complete ass of itself, clawing over itself to get to the podium and declare its moral outrage against examples of its own hypocrisy. We found that half of the people allied to this chicken hawk administration were linked to the Abramoff scandal, including the shiny-faced and ultra-weird Tom DeLay-(R) Texas. The other half were pretending not to notice Mark Foley-(R) Florida buggering teenage boys in his office. Ted Haggard, the high priest of the coven of darkness which masquerades as christianity in this country, was exposed as the most insidious, evil, and disgusting form of human being one could imagine...that's right...a gay man.

It was like going to the circus with a head full of LSD, disturbing yet hilarious. In Russia they had their first open demonstration for gay rights. Finally, old white bigots who don't know that they're bigots have an actual, tangible group of people to call "pinko commie faggots." The "Academy", as they so pompously refer to themselves, awarded Brokeback Mountain best picture. Somehow, the right managed to lose despite all of the opportunities to make "moral issues" (read-issues that have very little to do with right and wrong)
the public focal point.

Then my favorite condescending, double speaking, rhetorical question asking, arrogant, incompetent, golly-gosh-gee-willikers-henny-penny-1950s-phrase-using-bastard of all time, Secretary Donald J. Rumsfeld ...gulp..."resigned." Am I going to miss him? You bet. Was he an asshole? Sure. Did he do a good job in Iraq? Of course not.
Did he display contempt for every concerned, educated adult who ever asked him to explain himself? Maybe. F*ck him??? Yeah, F*ck him. This is the part where we roll out the highlight reel of his tenure as Secretary of Defense. No highlight reels available, so just take a few moments to replay them in your head. (pause for effect) Done? Okay. See, you're going to miss him, too. It's sort of like what will happen when Favre-rve-rvere finally retires and stops single handedly destroying the future of his young team by preventing them from developing a quarterback. On the one hand, we won't have to listen to
football announcers gush and fawn over their precious "Brett" during games in which he's not even playing. On the other hand, who we gonna hate?

Sorry, Rummy, someone has to be sacrificed for this historic blunder filled atrocity. I guess it's got to be you. So, there you have it. Masses appeased. Anger reclining. Problem solved.

This header fulfills my obligation to say something about Terrell Owens

Suck me sideways. What else? What was the other big deal in this tedious year of our lord, two thousand and six? Could it be... Immigration? The U.S. population topped 300 million, not including the illegal aliens who came over here to steal jobs from what could just as easily be an army of slave labor children...if we had any sense. There has got to be a better solution than sending out A-Team-looking squads of angry rednecks into the desert in loaded pickup trucks. Not that I don't appreciate the brave and 100 percent absolutely NOT insane patriotism of these wonderful old kooks, but the minutemen, well, they don't seem to have much of a plan. I mean, besides bombing around on the sand a-whoopin' and a-hollerin' and a-shootin' rifles into the air. Luckily, we live in a "Representative Democracy." Our totally kick ass leaders came up with a great plan...it's awesome. Since we can't keep
people out by simply asking nicely we will build a fence that no one will be able to penetrate. Yes! A great big fence! With signs that say stuff like "Keep Out," or "No Trespassing," or "Spics Go Home, This Is White Man's Country." Well, all in Spanish, of course, with pictures for the illiterate. (There are actual "wetback crossing" road signs in Texas) Because, think about it, how could you possibly get through a fence? Can't be done. Again, problem solved.

A tear filled farewell to an era

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2007 will be the year of the pig, "A time of benevolence and abundance." That actually sounds pretty good. All this good will and bipartisan crap might turn out to be something after all...if you're actually dumb enough to believe in astrology. Yes, 2006 is leaving us to suck on its tailpipe. As we gaze into the past and reflect on the past twelve months, hence fulfilling the Zodiac's vague and variously interpreted prophesy, you can almost see the high water mark, the spot where this young millennium's wave of blind nationalism broke and rolled back and left us all to stand and wonder about what the hell just happened. It feels to me like there is a new, or at least somewhat different, attitude taking hold in this country. And I, for one, can't wait to see how we find a way to F*ck this one up.

The only for me to get that mountaintop to peer over the dark abyss into our future is to fly solo. So, sorry 2006, you're going to have to sit this one out.

Not that I didn't enjoy our cozy little time together. Snuggling was nice. But, let's face it, the sex just wasn't that great.

-Luke "January 20th, 2009" Granmoe

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