Team Ex Blog

God asks Peyton Manning first: “What do you believe?”

Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe
in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in  
giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans.”       

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him
a seat to his left.  
                                                  
Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, “What do you believe?”           

Tony says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the   
fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve   
always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing field.”

God is greatly moved by Tony’s sincere eloquence, and he offers him a
seat to his right.                                                     

Finally, God turns to Brett Favre: “And you, Brett, what do you
believe?”

Brett replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a handywoman and started canvassing the neighborhoods.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said.

“How much will you charge me?”

The blonde quickly responded, “How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?”

He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes .”

A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. “You finished already?” the husband asked.

“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

“And by the way,” the blonde added … “It’s not a Porch, It’s an Audi.”

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. “You don’t have to tell me,” I said. “I’m off the team, aren’t I?” “Well,” said Coach, “you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you’re wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.” It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that’s when I felt the handcuffs go on.

If you had purchased $1,000.
of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you
would have $49.00 left. 

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. 

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left. 

But, if you had purchased $1,000.
worth of beer one year ago, drank
all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling
REFUND, you would have $214.00 cash. 

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle. 

It's called the 401-Keg 

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year. 

Another study found Americans drink, on the average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to
the gallon. 

Makes You Proud To Be An American

Ethan Albright letter to John Madden:

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington
Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I'll continue. I am writing
in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in
Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fucking bullshit and you
should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the
Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a
Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his
overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I
rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in
the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating.
You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a
99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or
something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It's also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it
sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then
lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock
for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and
lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as
retarded. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic
Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing
embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words
in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The
only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing
level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I
basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school
class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player
rated out of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some shitty guys out
there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the
agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I
don't crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My
agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple
over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility.
He is listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made
her wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like Jabba the Hut.

Red Alert!
John, you are such a fucking dick. I also noticed that my kick return
rating was a 0. I was rated a fucking zero? So you feel that I shouldn't
even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn't
even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand
there and let the ball bounce off of my fucking face. Fuck that, John, I
returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a -
4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage
ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone
(21). Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come
from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of
offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let's see here, I think that
Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than
Larry Allen. While I'm at it, I can assign the passing ratings for
offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace
is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put
time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both
throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible
passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The
poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large
freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my
senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin
usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic
directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my
ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better
than the other ratings, but I'm a fucking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen
are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I
am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass fuckwad that can't fall on a
kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on
a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and
more each year, old man.

When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks.
Fuck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you
consume for the rest of your life. If you fuck with Ethan Albright, you
call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered ‘1 ‘
ON PURPOSE!

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.

Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is jus t not worth the hassle.

1 If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have t o sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -

to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -

in hopes they will finally listen.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome
of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me’, she told him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb’s still broken!

I grabbed this from the official web site (www.special-export.com):

After Prohibition, Heileman’s brewmaster was asked by the workforce to brew an especially “strong” beer for the company picnic. They loved it, and it paired perfectly with their favorite bratwurst. In 1934, Heileman’s Old Style Special Export was born.

-If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago,
it would now be worth $49.00.
-With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
-With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
-If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $47.00 left
-But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago,
drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND.
You would have had $214.00.
-Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to
drink heavily and recycle.

It’s called the 401-Keg.

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline
and reached a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if
I could drive a truck.